Remember the peaks and valleys, well we are at the top of the peak!!! We recieved a call (something foster and adopting parents seem to live waiting for) at 5:30pm on Thursday 4/19 letting us know that the adoption committee that did not meet on Monday 4/16, had met and we were unanimously approved to adopt our boys!!!
Throughout our journey with our boys we have been told repeatedly that all is going to be well, and it has, we have the support of DSS, GALs, therapist past and present, etc for this adoption to take place, but one still never knows what will happen.
However all is wonderful as we have leaped the last hurdle. So once the appeals process is complete then legally our boys will be what they already are in our hearts Ours Forever.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Jumping through Hoops
Once the decision is made to adopt, be it international, private, or like in our case fostering to adopt, you are flooded with what can seem like a never ending stream of paperwork. There is paperwork to be filled out that gives an overview of your entire life, your parenting philosphy, your strengths, your needs, you home, your personality, your job, your support network, you get the picture. There is paperwork for everything. Then in order to get licensed after going to class and doing the million pieces of paperwork folks come to your house to have a look.
I like everyone else decided that our licensing worker would do a white glove test, I even took a couple of days off from work to clean my house from top to bottom. This is not necessary. The workers are looking more at how you interact with the family you live with, whether your house has the basic necessities, i.e. water, fridge, silverware, don't laugh it is true. However, I think of all of the steps to get licensed this was the most nerve wracking, would our home and family be good enough. The short answer for the majority of people is yes your home and family are more than good enough, a good licensing worker is able to see your heart, not whether your bathroom rug and shower curtain match, (yes i worried about this).
One difficult part in fostering to adopt is the intrusion into your life. I thought I was prepared to share my life and my family with many different people, but I will admit it has been tough, our boys came to us with a social worker from their county, a casemanager from our agency, guardian ad litems, therapists (past and present), doctors, and psychatrists, not to mention all of those folks supervisors...in order for all of it to work a foster to adopt parent must be willing to work on a team, this is not as easy as it sounds sometimes, because your ideas and the ideas of others of what you think is best may clash. However it is important to remember that not everyone has all of the answers.
Prayer has become such a huge part of this for me, because I have realized that God is the one who will make the ultimate call in what is best and right and my job is to carry that out, even when I have to bite my tongue. Adopting means being teachable. And doing things that you may think are silly, like recording every dose of OTC medicine you give, even if it is only putting neosporin on a booboo, or sitting through a training that pushes into your schedule. The truth is that while we may not think it is necessary, the governing authorities do, so those are hoops we must jump through, because they don't last forever, the adoption will one day be final and because it is so worth it.
Mostly I worried I would not be perfect enough, which is just silly. Agencies are not looking to say no, there are an abundence of children who need parents just like you. The most important thing is be honest with your licensing worker/homestudy writer, they want to work with you and your child(ren) are out there.
As you go through the process just remember yes you are jumping through hoops but in the end it is more than worth it and it is likely you would have been willing to do what you have done 10 times over, when you see your child smile.
I like everyone else decided that our licensing worker would do a white glove test, I even took a couple of days off from work to clean my house from top to bottom. This is not necessary. The workers are looking more at how you interact with the family you live with, whether your house has the basic necessities, i.e. water, fridge, silverware, don't laugh it is true. However, I think of all of the steps to get licensed this was the most nerve wracking, would our home and family be good enough. The short answer for the majority of people is yes your home and family are more than good enough, a good licensing worker is able to see your heart, not whether your bathroom rug and shower curtain match, (yes i worried about this).
One difficult part in fostering to adopt is the intrusion into your life. I thought I was prepared to share my life and my family with many different people, but I will admit it has been tough, our boys came to us with a social worker from their county, a casemanager from our agency, guardian ad litems, therapists (past and present), doctors, and psychatrists, not to mention all of those folks supervisors...in order for all of it to work a foster to adopt parent must be willing to work on a team, this is not as easy as it sounds sometimes, because your ideas and the ideas of others of what you think is best may clash. However it is important to remember that not everyone has all of the answers.
Prayer has become such a huge part of this for me, because I have realized that God is the one who will make the ultimate call in what is best and right and my job is to carry that out, even when I have to bite my tongue. Adopting means being teachable. And doing things that you may think are silly, like recording every dose of OTC medicine you give, even if it is only putting neosporin on a booboo, or sitting through a training that pushes into your schedule. The truth is that while we may not think it is necessary, the governing authorities do, so those are hoops we must jump through, because they don't last forever, the adoption will one day be final and because it is so worth it.
Mostly I worried I would not be perfect enough, which is just silly. Agencies are not looking to say no, there are an abundence of children who need parents just like you. The most important thing is be honest with your licensing worker/homestudy writer, they want to work with you and your child(ren) are out there.
As you go through the process just remember yes you are jumping through hoops but in the end it is more than worth it and it is likely you would have been willing to do what you have done 10 times over, when you see your child smile.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The Peaks and Valleys
Fostering to Adopt has many peaks and valleys. Yesterday was one of those valleys adoptive families face. Not to long ago it appeared we were on track to have our adoption completed quickly. While I did not jump up and do the happy dance because there was always the chance something could halt the process, I was feeling wonderful. My boys would be legally mine, just the way they are already in my heart mine. So here we are walking almost on cloud nine and boom we get a call.
The call let us know that our boys birthmom has decided to appeal the judges decision to terminate parental rights (TPR). Wow what do you say to that. I actually understand as a mom her appealing, on the other hand I think how could you do that, the boys need permenance and stability.
However, this is one area where God just picks us up and carries us. This is a situation out of our control, and all we can do is pray and have faith that He is always in control. So yesterday and today I sent out emails to all the prayer warriors I know to lift us up as we go through this.
Adopting just like giving birth comes with no promises but we will get through this and in the end, I believe God will continue to keep our family intact as it is now. One thing I have learned is empathy for our boys birth family, just because mistakes were made and such does not mean they do not love our boys and that is the message we send to our boys, when they say they miss their mom. We tell them with confidence how much their mom loves them and that she misses them too. We also let them know they are capable of loving many people and that loving us does not mean not loving their mom.
The call let us know that our boys birthmom has decided to appeal the judges decision to terminate parental rights (TPR). Wow what do you say to that. I actually understand as a mom her appealing, on the other hand I think how could you do that, the boys need permenance and stability.
However, this is one area where God just picks us up and carries us. This is a situation out of our control, and all we can do is pray and have faith that He is always in control. So yesterday and today I sent out emails to all the prayer warriors I know to lift us up as we go through this.
Adopting just like giving birth comes with no promises but we will get through this and in the end, I believe God will continue to keep our family intact as it is now. One thing I have learned is empathy for our boys birth family, just because mistakes were made and such does not mean they do not love our boys and that is the message we send to our boys, when they say they miss their mom. We tell them with confidence how much their mom loves them and that she misses them too. We also let them know they are capable of loving many people and that loving us does not mean not loving their mom.
Monday, April 9, 2007
How to begin
One of the things that I found difficult in the beginning of our journey is to figure out how to get started in the adoption process. NC is a foster-to-adopt state what that means is that the State of NC wants its adoptive families to be licensed foster parents, this is suppose to enable children to be moved fewer times from home to home and also it allows want to be parents to accept children who are legal at risk, meaning Termination of Parental rights has not yet been granted by the courts.
So for us the first thing we had to decide was if we wanted to adopt an infant or a waiting child(ren). We looked at our lifestyle and decided that toddlers and older children would be a better fit for us. One thing about adopting children is knowing what is best for your family. Once we decided to adopt older children (in the adoption world an older child is generally over the age of 2) we had to decide whether to go through the county or to choose a private agency. One thing that is often misunderstood, is that when foster to adopt there is no fee to use a private agency.
Some items to consider when choosing between working with your county or a private agency is how overwhelmed are the case managers. In our county there is 2 case managers for the entire county, yikes!!! However, we did take our GPS/MAPP training (30 hours of classes are required to become a licensed foster parent) through our county. We had 2 excellent moderators so our classes were not dull or boring, and while going all weekend for 3 weekends seemed alot after working Monday through Friday, it was so worth it.
So if you want to foster or foster to adopt you need to take the 30 hours of training in NC, you can call your county DSS and they will let you know how to enroll in the classes. One thing we learned after taking the classes through our county is that some of the private agencies will come to your house to do your training, this may take a bit longer but it is very convienient especially for working parents. On the other side while we were in a class setting we met many folks, some of whom have become our support network.
We ultimately chose to have Grandfather Home for Children finish and support our foster licensing. I will write more later on how and why we chose Grandfather Home. I will say that this is an incredibly caring agency not just where the kids are concerned but also where their families are concerned.
Here is a link to NC approved agencies:
http://www.ncdhhs.gov/dss/licensing/docs/cpalistadoption.pdf
So for us the first thing we had to decide was if we wanted to adopt an infant or a waiting child(ren). We looked at our lifestyle and decided that toddlers and older children would be a better fit for us. One thing about adopting children is knowing what is best for your family. Once we decided to adopt older children (in the adoption world an older child is generally over the age of 2) we had to decide whether to go through the county or to choose a private agency. One thing that is often misunderstood, is that when foster to adopt there is no fee to use a private agency.
Some items to consider when choosing between working with your county or a private agency is how overwhelmed are the case managers. In our county there is 2 case managers for the entire county, yikes!!! However, we did take our GPS/MAPP training (30 hours of classes are required to become a licensed foster parent) through our county. We had 2 excellent moderators so our classes were not dull or boring, and while going all weekend for 3 weekends seemed alot after working Monday through Friday, it was so worth it.
So if you want to foster or foster to adopt you need to take the 30 hours of training in NC, you can call your county DSS and they will let you know how to enroll in the classes. One thing we learned after taking the classes through our county is that some of the private agencies will come to your house to do your training, this may take a bit longer but it is very convienient especially for working parents. On the other side while we were in a class setting we met many folks, some of whom have become our support network.
We ultimately chose to have Grandfather Home for Children finish and support our foster licensing. I will write more later on how and why we chose Grandfather Home. I will say that this is an incredibly caring agency not just where the kids are concerned but also where their families are concerned.
Here is a link to NC approved agencies:
http://www.ncdhhs.gov/dss/licensing/docs/cpalistadoption.pdf
Saturday, April 7, 2007
An Introduction
I am Mel, and on January 26, 2007 I became a mom for the 3rd and 4th times. No I did not give birth to twins, but I was blessed enough to have 2 special little boys ages 4 and 6 join my family. Now the first time I became a mom was on February 26, 1989 and the second time was July 17, 1991, needless to say back then I had way more energy, but perhaps not as much wisdom.
First a bit about me. I am 38, married to a wonderful man for the past almost 7 years, as I stated before a mom four times over, and I work for an excellent engineering company. My journey to adoption probably began with my birth. I was adopted during a time when it was still sort of a shameful thing. While I have always known I was adopted, it was not something that was discussed openly and it was not until I was 15 that I knew who my birthmom was. I do remember thinking as I was growing up that I wanted 10 kids and that adopting some of them would not be weird or strange. Adoption has always been for me a natural way to expand one's family. Looking back I realize that God had already laid out His plan for how my family would look when I got older. Being adopted has enabled me to understand some of what my boys experience, although only some as I never spent time in foster care, which is in of itself a whole different can of worms.
I hope this blog will help anyone who is considering adopting. Hopefully my journey will give you a realistic view of the process, before, during, and after. As well as help you see the pitfalls and most importantly the blessings and rewards of expanding your family with waiting children.
First a bit about me. I am 38, married to a wonderful man for the past almost 7 years, as I stated before a mom four times over, and I work for an excellent engineering company. My journey to adoption probably began with my birth. I was adopted during a time when it was still sort of a shameful thing. While I have always known I was adopted, it was not something that was discussed openly and it was not until I was 15 that I knew who my birthmom was. I do remember thinking as I was growing up that I wanted 10 kids and that adopting some of them would not be weird or strange. Adoption has always been for me a natural way to expand one's family. Looking back I realize that God had already laid out His plan for how my family would look when I got older. Being adopted has enabled me to understand some of what my boys experience, although only some as I never spent time in foster care, which is in of itself a whole different can of worms.
I hope this blog will help anyone who is considering adopting. Hopefully my journey will give you a realistic view of the process, before, during, and after. As well as help you see the pitfalls and most importantly the blessings and rewards of expanding your family with waiting children.
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